Buzzard09

I don't even know what my drive was when I was on Concerta.  I need to know.  Otherwise, I'll fucking hate my life, wondering why I ever did what I did, like now.  Now I'm just feeling like I have no drive, and I'm just lazy, and I can't even hold my body upright. My dad wishes I was better.  I wish I was better.  Like I need some kind of performance enhancing substance to be happy.  I won't have kids.  Don't worry.  

I got news from my chiropractor today that there's nothing wrong with my neck.  Fucking heartbreaking.  I was hoping I had a c1-c2 subluxation, which would have been impeding blood flow to my brain.  No luck.  I guess my genes are just shit.  My brain is like a gHz single core processor amongst an average of 3 gHz quad cores.  Just completely obsolete.  No room for me in the modern world.  Ya, I can write what I feel like when I feel like it, but I can't do much else.

There, i said it.  I believe my genes are shit.  I wish I could change them.  I wish I could contribute more to the few relationships i have with people.  My friends, my parents, my brother and his girlfriend.  But my brain and my body are strained just thinking of what to say most of the time.  What's worse is I see them crumbling under the same kind of pressure that I can't take any more of.  It literally hurts.  And I can't do anything about it. I know it sucks to read this and be reminded how cruel mother nature can be, but what else am I supposed to do? I am afraid to tell anyone in my life because it's all about being cool these days.